


my love for you allows me not to judge the way you live

by reinacadeea



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, criminals!au, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:02:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4553472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinacadeea/pseuds/reinacadeea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing quite describes the tilt of Robert Sugden lips, the smirk, the way his eyes shine brightly in the evening light or the way he slouches his shoulders. Aaron notices all of this and more. He notices how the suit fits over Sugden's shoulders, how his long neck stretches lean out of a button-up shirt that costs more than the shitty apartment he's been set up in.</p>
<p>A hand urges Aaron forward, pushes him more like, until he's stood right in front of Sugden and his little gaggle of mates saying uh and ah in all the right places.</p>
<p>Sugden looks him up and down, top to toe, curiously. "So, you're the one who tried to steal my car."</p>
            </blockquote>





	my love for you allows me not to judge the way you live

**Author's Note:**

> this had its humble beginnings in a converstion with stulot and then became something to occupy my time while the summer fate rolled around. too many things were uncertain. it's been sitting in my back catalogue for most of july while i worked, but then as fate would have it, i went on a spontanious trip to spain and 12k later - it's now finished.
> 
> hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it. mistakes are entirely my own.

Pictures can only do so much.

Nothing quite describes the tilt of Robert Sugden lips, the smirk, the way his eyes shine brightly in the evening light or the way he slouches his shoulders. Aaron notices all of this and more. He notices how the suit fits over Sugden's shoulders, how his long neck stretches lean out of a button-up shirt that costs more than the shitty apartment he's been set up in.

A hand urges Aaron forward, pushes him more like, until he's stood right in front of Sugden and his little gaggle of mates saying uh and ah in all the right places.

Sugden looks him up and down, top to toe, curiously. "So, you're the one who tried to steal my car."

Aaron stares back at him passively.

"Care to tell me why?" Sugden asks.

"Had to get your attention somehow," Aaron says.

A dark blonde eyebrow inches upwards until it reaches Sugden's hairline in wonder. "I don't make deals with idiots, if that's what you're after."

"That's all right," Aaron says with a shrug. "Ross Barton was dropped on his head as a baby. You can make a deal with me."

Sugden stands up and indicates Tough Bloke #6 to let go of Aaron and for him to follow into the adjoining office. It's posh, opulent to a fault and far too pretentious for Aaron's tastes. He supposes that's why Sugden shows it off - with him being a pretentious git and all.

"What exactly do you think I do?" Sugden says and indicates for Aaron to sit while he himself takes a seat behind the grand wooden desk.

"I couldn't say," Aaron tells him with a fake innocent look on his face. "Planting daffodils for a living?"

"There must be a market for it somewhere," Sugden says, grinning. "Call me Robert."

Call-me-Robert doesn't allow him anywhere near a car for a month. Instead, he stocks alcohol in Robert's bar, cleans loos and touches more lipstick-covered glasses than he can count on sixteen hands. He does all of it quietly and efficiently without making trouble. He's not cleaning loos for nothing. He's got a purpose and he intends to stick by it. Complaining will get him nowhere.

He's behind the bar when he recognises Chrissie White coming up the stairs, looking too rich and glamorous for the things Aaron's knows goes on behind her back. She takes little notice of him and barges through the door to Robert's office, all smiles and plenty of words in her pretty accent.

"We have to have a Christmas party," Chrissie says out of sight, hidden inside the office. But her voice carries. "We need fairylights everywhere and plenty of decorations. We could get one of those really beautiful Christmas trees."

"Anything you want," Robert says in reply. "How much help do you need?"

"Not much until the actual day, but I thought I could hire the Harding sisters. They have such good taste and Alicia is a darling," Chrissie says.

Aaron rolls his eyes. What an interesting life to lead - Christmas parties and fairylights. He'd actually rather gauge his eyes out or stick himself with a pair of knitting needles.

He's trying not to stare too obviously when Robert walks his soon-to-be wife out, all passionate touches and kisses that actually makes him want to vom. When she's finally gone, Robert wanders over to the bar with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" he comments.

"Couldn't say," Aaron says with a shrugs, piling pint glasses on top of each other.

"It's allowed," Robert says, grinning, leaning against the bar. "I'm not going to deck you."

"I don't fancy your bird, mate."

"I wouldn't mind, is all I'm saying," Robert says. "As long as you don't try it on with her."

Aaron snorts. "I'll remember that for when I stop being gay, ey."

He goes to the stockroom, but not until he catches Robert's shocked face. Interesting. 

Estate is full each weekend and Aaron works hours upon hours until his feet ache and his calves strain from too much use. He’s gone through some grueling periods in his life, periods where his brain talked louder than anything he had to say, but his brain is quiet on those busy days, exhausted from walking and the thump-ba-thump of the music. He likes the nights when he walks home after work and falls into bed.

But he’s not at Estate, doing Robert Sugden’s bidding, for a cure to his insomnia.

He makes sure to always be around, silent in the background, ever-present and attentive. He catches Robert watching, which is a bit odd, considering he’s getting married at some point. Robert never let on that he is bothered about Aaron’s rather sudden coming-out and it’s odd actually that Aaron would choose to devolve this part of himself to his new boss. He can’t remember the last time he came out on his own free will when it isn’t just a meaningless shag in a club loo.

In November, after having slaved away at Estate for four grueling weeks, Robert orders him into a car and they drive off out of the city.

“You’re not going to ask where we’re going?” Robert asks, driving past a rusty Mazda on the road.

Aaron shrugs. “Don’t matter, does it?”

Robert smirks almost… proud. “For a car-thief, you are asking for a lot of trouble.”

“I haven’t been caught yet,” Aaron tells him. “Must be doing something right.”

“I caught you,” Robert states.

Aaron gives him a look. “Barton’s a muppet. Course I was getting caught with him around.”

Robert drives onto an off-road dirt path, slowing his speed and Aaron watches a well-used farm appear beneath multiple trees. There is a large garage joined to the farm. Robert opens the large wooden doors with a key and a sequence of code that Aaron can’t see from his spot hovering beside Robert’s fancy Audi – the one he ‘successfully’ tried to steal.

“There are coveralls in the office to the left,” Robert says. “Let’s see what you can do.”

Aaron remembers Cain impatiently trying to teach a rowdy teenager about engines and other useful tricks of the trade. He’s good at it, knows engines like he knows the back of his hand. He runs his fingers over the metal, feels the grease under his nails, and gets to work. It’s instinctive and it takes his mind off the way Robert is watching him. He’s not even working, just staring.

Aaron finishes an hour later and Robert looks over the work, clearly impressed.

“You’re clearly out to impress me,” Robert says. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were a copper trying to get on my good side.”

“Would a copper know how to do that?”

Robert gives him a long-calculating stare. “Not any copper I know. You’ll do,” he says and claps Aaron shoulder.

“Sound,” Aaron says satisfied.

\--

Five minutes from where he lives there is a pub that he goes to every Monday afternoon at 4.45 pm. He orders either a Heineken or a Guinness.

He’s got a Guinness in front of him when Andy Sugden sits down beside him.

“All right, mate,” Andy says and orders his own pint. “Anything new?”

“Saw the stock last week,” Aaron reveals. “It’s all there.”

“So soon?” Andy says surprised. “It usually takes much longer.”

“Yeah well, maybe he likes the colour of my eyes,” Aaron remarks with a smile. “I don’t know, Andy, but you were right.”

Andy looks revealed, like a burden on his shoulders have been lifted. “How long?”

Aaron cants his body towards Andy and bends a bit closer to him. “Weeks, months… this is a waiting game. If what you said about the Whites are true, they’ll get their comeuppance. Don’t worry.”

“I never thought he could… he would…”

“I get it, mate,” Aaron tells him and clasps his shoulder in comfort. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I can’t thank you enough,” Andy says and he’s got that special honest way about him that means Aaron doesn’t doubt for a second that Andy means it with every fibre in his being.

Aaron doesn’t need it, but it’s nice to be appreciated all the same.

They part ways as quickly as they met and Aaron leaves the pub on a detour through a Salisbury’s. His head is still a bit fuzzy from getting drunk on Robert’s fancy champagne last night. He’s too used to beers that having anything else keeps him hungover for days. He doesn’t even remember thinking it was a good idea, or a bad one.

He thinks about Robert and the way his eyes shone when he spoke about the new Ashton Martin. He was passionate, animated and almost kind of playful in the way he communicated, like he knows something that no one else knows. He tries not to think too much about Robert.

Robert isn’t making it easy for him.

They’ve found common ground in each other and Aaron can only think of a handful of people that he can talk to the way he talks to Robert. It’s weird having someone around who gets his sarcasm and his speech-patterns, who doesn’t hesitate to snark back when Aaron goes over the top. It’s almost like they are friends and Aaron wonders if they could have been if he hadn’t been trying to put Robert and all of his riches down the drain.

Robert drives by his apartment at noon every day and picks him up. They spend two or three hours at the garage with Aaron doing the most work while Robert is busy making phonecalls. He listens in to every one of them, but it sounds like legit business concerning the club.

“Have you ever met Lawrence White?” Robert asks one day, sitting down and with spread legs.

Aaron stands up straight from the car he’s bent over. “No,” he says with a shrug.

“He hates me,” Robert says with a petulant curl of his lips.

“You’re sleeping with his daughter,” Aaron says. “Isn’t that the point?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “I found a way to earn his respect. You in?”

Aaron shrugs. “Yeah, all right. But we’re not involving Ross Barton.”

Robert involves Ross Barton. There is a certain mental process to handling Ross Barton. The first step is to always disagree. The second step is to put him down. The third is that at no point allow Ross Barton to think for himself. Aaron has learned all this and more from the weeks leading up to his first meeting with Robert through trial and error. The only redeeming quality about Ross, as far as Aaron is concerned, is that he’s only after money. You mention it and wave it around a bit and Ross comes yapping like a little dog begging for a treat.

Lawrence lives in a grand old mansion on the outskirts of Leeds with his daughter and grandson. Officially, he owns a company that sells tractors. Unofficially, the story is a bit different. Aaron might not have met the patriarch of the White family, but he’s certainly heard of him. Imprisoned for being gay in his youth, Lawrence has since then skirted the law and is according to Andy a formidable source willing to cover up his grandson’s sexual assault on one of Robert’s waitresses. Aaron gags at that part and wonders who in their right mind could ever excuse sexual assault.

Ross fidgets in the seat beside him. They’re both sat in one of Robert’s many stolen cars, waiting for Lawrence to go to his weekly gentleman’s club meeting. Aaron prefers not to think about what that entails.

“Time’s not going to go faster if you fidget, mate,” Aaron says annoyed.

“Shut up,” Ross says and finds a candy bar in the glove department. He munches on it almost-silently for a moment or two where Aaron enjoys the silence. “Why do you think he’s doing it?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Why do you care so much?”

“Uh, because I’m breakin’ into Lawrence White’s house,” Ross says sarcastically. “If I’m going to be castrated, I wanna know why.”

“He’s not paying us to ask questions, you muppet,” Aaron says forcibly. “Just do as you’re told.”

“Oh right, I get it now,” Ross says with a smirk. “Do you fancy him or sumthin? He says jump and you ask how high?”

Aaron feels his phone vibrate and says a nice ‘thanks, mightier powers’ for the save. “It’s time.”

They pull on balaclavas and the whole affair manages to be just as disastrous with Ross as Aaron had predicted. They’ve got Lawrence locked in a cupboard, Robert’s consoling a hysteric Chrissie and Aaron’s trying not to think too much about the things he sees Ross stuffing in his pockets.

“Sorry,” he whispers to Robert when he has to punch him to make the whole scenario seem even more authentic.

Robert grimaces in reply, clutching his stomach in pain.

The whole thing is a bloody trainwreck, yet Robert still manages to come out the hero and for that Aaron’s all kinds of surprised slash impressed.

It worked, Robert texts after midnight and Aaron snorts in amusement, huddling into his duvet to keep the cold out.

You’re lucky the whole thing didn’t blow up in your face, he texts back.

I’m smarter than that.

Robert’s an arrogant pillock, but when he sees an opportunity he’s good at grapping it. Aaron has to give him credit for that.

\--

On a Wednesday, Robert drops Aaron off at Estate and tracks deeper into town to meet his family for dinner. Aaron works on autopilot, getting the bar ready for opening hours. Carly, the manager running things when Robert isn’t there, is stressing out about their Hawaiian theme night and Aaron listens to her say acidic things to the other employees.

“Everyone here is out to piss me off,” she says annoyed. “Everyone except you, Anton. You just don’t say much.”

“Aaron,” he reminds her.

“That’s what I said,” she says as if he’s stupid. “Keep on what you’re doing. I’ll have you behind the bar serving drinks in a month. If you’re not too busy with the boss off-hours.”

Aaron is somewhat sure she knows exactly what Robert does outside the bar. He’s only ever known her as driven and pragmatic. She’s like Ross in that sense – when she smells money, she senses opportunity. She runs the day-to-day business, making sure the booze is ordered and the sodas are put in place. She books entertainment, DJs and plans extravagant theme nights that mostly carters to backroom gamblers. Her biggest fault, as far as Aaron’s concerned, is her inability to remember anyone’s names. Sometimes, he actually thinks she does it on purpose. 

“Rob’s coming around with his fiancé and brother later,” Carly tells one of the barmaids. “Make sure to have proper champagne served the minute they enter. Capishe?”

The barmaid nods seriously and goes to take the champagne from the see-through fridge.

“No, cold, Anya,” Carly says with a roll of her eyes.

“Tanya,” the barmaid says under her breath when Carly’s walked off to harass someone else.

“Don’t take it personally,” Aaron tells her and hands a glass of water.

Tanya sighs. “I’ve worked here for two years.”

Aaron grimaces and goes down to the stockroom. There is always plenty of things to be sorted and he likes the mindlessness of it, how it keeps him from thinking too much.

An hour before opening, he wanders back upstairs, summoned by a frantic Tanya to help her with some clean champagne flutes.

“You didn’t think of this before?” he asks surprised.

She looks devastated, so he helps her dry the flutes while she fills them up one at the time. She’s got the serving sorted though, even in heels. She serves Chrissie first, then Andy’s wife, Andy and then Robert. Aaron watches from the bar, busying himself with straws and frilly ornaments for cocktails. He’s met Andy before, obviously, but not officially.

“And this is Carly’s newest project,” Robert says after having introduced Aaron to the lot. “Aaron. She’s got high hopes for him.”

Aaron shares a look with Andy, a quick one that is more fleeting than telling. They are both playing a role.

Andy’s wife, Katie, is a nice person as far as he can tell, but she doesn’t seem taken with Robert at all, sneering when he gets too cocky. Chrissie calls him silly and takes little notice of how nasty Robert can get. Katie must know Robert better and possibly for longer if what Aaron remembers is true.

“We are really grateful that you’re lending us one of your houses,” Andy says. “It’s been great not having to worry about a roof over our heads.”

Katie looks like she’s swallowed a lemon.

“Of course,” Chrissie says and she looks honest enough. “This whole thing with my father has really taught me to put family first. Robert’s family is going to become my family the moment the vows have been said. Of course the house is yours.”

Aaron winces at the implication, knowing he and Ross are partly to blame for Lawrence’s heart attack. But Lawrence is back up on his feet, fighting fit.

“I’ll come help you move in,” Robert says with a smile that isn’t quite a smile.

“We’ll be fine, thanks,” Katie says, glaring daggers at him.

“Would you two just stop it?” Andy says annoyed. “We are all doing our best to get along here, and you’re both ruining it!”

“Sorry, Andy,” Katie says placated.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, too,” Robert says and it looks honest enough. “Old wounds and that.”

“This is killing my joy,” Chrissie says, trying to lighten the mood. “Aaron, put some music on.”

He spends most of his nights doing his job without much trouble, helping without making a fuss and always works on just being there, a permanent fixture in the background. It’s a different matter at the garage with Robert. He knows Robert doesn’t have to be there almost every day, but he seems to enjoy Aaron’s company. They shoot shit, drink plenty of beer if the time is there and generally acts as relaxed as possible around each other.

It’s dangerous getting too close, Aaron knows, and especially because Robert isn’t a bird. Robert’s a bloke and because of this whole gay thing, there is a real chance Aaron could… he shouldn’t even think the thought. Robert’s a thug, chopping up cars for Lawrence White among other things that Aaron haven’t quite managed to figure out yet.

“Lachlan’s a psycho,” Robert says one afternoon while Aaron’s removing the engine of a Range Rover. “Who keeps pictures of girls on their computers?”

“Depends on how naked they are,” Aaron comments.

“They’re not naked,” Robert says frustrated. “Me and Chrissie looked through all of them. They are all of Alicia Harding. Remember her?”

Aaron nods.

“And she’s a nice woman, only ever been kind to the kid,” Robert keeps on. “I don’t understand how he gets so fixated on something? I had plenty of girly mags under my pillow as a boy. But that’s normal.”

Aaron never even bothered to put them under his pillow, thinking no one would think he liked something other than women if it was staring them in the face.

“Do you think he’ll hurt her?” he asks Robert, looking up from the engine.

“Honestly? I haven’t got any idea,” Robert says. “Lawrence doesn’t want to talk about it and Chrissie keeps saying it’s a phase. Maybe he will grow out of it.”

“Maybe,” Aaron says.

“What about you?” Robert asks suddenly, leaning forward in his chair with an intense look on his face. “Do you have any family?”

Aaron Livesy’s got plenty of family, most of them high-prolific in certain circles, but not a family that he’s spent must time with. Aaron Larson’s an orphan with no siblings and no responsibilities. “My uncle taught me everything I know about cars,” he tells Robert, knowing that too many lies will be hard to keep track off. Always tell a little bit of truth. Evade the real truth. Focus on diversion.

“He certainly knows what he’s doing from the looks of it,” Robert says. “Carry on.”

They are in no state to drive when Aaron’s finished with the Range Rover and Robert curses his short-sightedness. Beer cans litters the table beside Robert’s chair and Aaron counts at least six of them being his own.

“We have two options the way I see,” Robert says with a drowsy smile, top buttons opened and tie thrown over his fancy dress jacket. “One, I call a taxi and we forget the ugliness ever happened… or…”

“Or?” Aaron urges him.

“Or I call Andy to come pick us up when there is no more beer.”

The vote is unanimous and they continue drinking, moving from Robert’s frustration with Lawrence’s need to constantly ruin his relationship with Chrissie to which action franchise is the most British – Bond or Powers.

“They’re both British men, though,” Aaron says when they have moved to the backseat of the Rover. “Both international men of mystery. That’s why they get all the ladies.”

“They get the ladies because they are an idea, not real people. If you want someone, you have to become someone they can love, so they’ll love you back even more,” Robert says honestly, speak slurring just a bit.

Aaron stares at him. “Is that how you got Chrissie?”

Robert shrugs. “I don’t want to talk about Chrissie right now.”

They’re sat shoulder-to-shoulder, almost sharing the same breathing space and Aaron can feel the pull between them. It’s static, electric…

“You make a lot of sense,” Robert whispers, eyes boring into Aaron’s.

“Yeah?” Aaron breathes out, surprised.

They’re leaning towards each other slowly, the world falling away and Aaron knows logically that this can’t end well. But his eyes are locked on Robert’s lips and he wants to close the space desperately.

“Tell me I’m not imagining it,” he says.

Robert closes his eyes and leans back, away, and takes another swallow from his beer. He clears his throat and the spell is broken.

Aaron moves into a more comfortable position, trying to stop his pulse from racing.

“I better call Andy,” Robert says and gets out of the car.

Aaron rubs his forehead and desperately tries to will his attraction away. He can’t. He knows he can’t. But he can’t deny that he wants Robert, wants to straddle his hips and muss up his hair just a bit. He’s seen the way Robert eyes go dark in desire and because the universe hates him, that view probably won’t be leaving him anytime soon.

“Andy will be here in half an hour,” Robert says, coming back to the car, looking a lot more sober than a few moments ago. “Look, Aaron, I’m sorry if I lead you on.”

Aaron scoffs.

“I’m getting married soon,” Robert says. “To a woman.”

“Means nothing,” Aaron can’t help but throw back at him.

“I love Chrissie, okay? I’m trying to be honest here and because you’re gay… it could get complicated,” Robert says and there comes the return of the arrogance.

Robert is an arrogant little shite to pretty much everyone. He thinks he’s better and constantly only thinks of himself. When they go the garage, Aaron sees something different, something that pulls him in. Robert may have a warped sense of the world, but it makes sense if Aaron pays attention to the little things Robert says. Robert’s principles comes such a strange place, one Aaron doesn’t quite understand, but he’s paying attention and he can sense the small shifts in Robert’s face. It’s small, but there.

“You’re making it complicated,” Aaron tells his back and Robert’s shoulders shift upwards in an angry slope.

“I’m not messing you about, Aaron,” he says turning around. “But don’t mistake me for someone who cares.”

Aaron laughs bitterly. “Right.”

\--

“You’re drunk,” Andy says when they have dropped off Robert at Lawrence’s fancy house.

The silence in the car has been thick, almost unbearable, while Aaron watched the road, trying to will his mind away from Robert and his eyes.

“Not in the mood for a lecture,” he says icily.

Andy sighs and stops in front of Aaron’s shite apartment. “You’re not going to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“But if it…”

Aaron turns towards him. “No offense, but it’s none to do with you.”

“Fine,” he says. “Get out then.”

Aaron bangs the car door shut and spends three tries before he can coordinate enough to unlock his front door. He feels wrung out and angry, annoyed at himself for falling into Robert’s spell and allowing himself to feel something for someone so inappropriate. Andy is right. It could jeopardise everything. 

His head is spinning from too much alcohol when he lies down and he nearly throws up, heaving onto the side of his bed. It’s pathetic, so he gets back up and eats a cold curry from yesterday and chugs a lukewarm Pepsi that he somehow thought was a brilliant idea to lean against the heater. When that’s done he hopes in the shower and tries to wash the day away. He stays under the spray far longer than he probably should, feeling the waters press against his aching neck, slowly soothing away any residual stress.

He’s still dripping wet when he finally notices the persistent knocking on his front door. He looks at the microwave clock, sees how it’s closer to morning than night, and he covers his bare abdomen and cock behind the towel.

“Who is it?” he asks suspiciously.

“Aaron, let me in.”

He hesitates, but only for a second.

Robert looks almost frantic and he pushes through the door the instant Aaron’s opened it.

“What –,“ Aaron tries to say, but is cut off when Robert covers his mouth in a hungry kiss, pushing him backwards against the table. He absently feels Robert’s hands cover his neck and cheeks, turning his head just a bit to get a better angle and their tongues clash. A surge goes through him, one of excitement and lust and he stops thinking of the thousand different reasons why this is a bad idea.

Robert pulls the towel away completely, still fused together in a passionate kiss and Aaron shivers, feeling the coarse fabric of Robert’s clothes rubbing against his skin while Robert’s busy exploring the entirety of his body. Aaron feels his hands resting on his arse, kneading them and pushing their bodies closer, hips to hips. He tries to unbutton Robert’s trousers but Robert pushes his hands away and Aaron lets himself be pushed onto the table. Robert pushes in between his legs, eyes impossibly hungry. Aaron watches him lean down, placing both his hands on either side of Aaron’s head and starts rubbing his pelvic against the V of Aaron’s legs.

They both groan in unison and Aaron pushes his hands into Robert’s hair, bringing their mouths into another furious battle, tongues clashing and bodies pressing impossibly closer.

“Clothes,” Aaron gets out between kisses. Robert only smirks in return and takes his right hand away from its spot beside Aaron’s face and trailing it down Aaron’s hairy chest, stopping for the briefest moments on the scars littering his tummy. He continues down by his cock and stops at his hole, pressing a finger against the opening without pushing inside.

“Up for it?” Robert whispers into his ear and Aaron turns his head to press another kiss against his lips.

“Bed,” he pleads.

“No,” Robert says lustfully and messages his thumb around the opening, trying to relax the many muscles. “You smell clean,” he says and brings his hand up to wet his index finger, before inching it inside Aaron.

Aaron groans.

“I’ll make you smell like me,” Robert says, voice hoarse, and presses his long finger upwards and right onto the spot that makes Aaron see stars. Before long, he’s got three fingers stuck up there and Robert’s still completely dressed.

He feels exposed, but he doesn’t want Robert to stop either. He can’t remember the last time he was this turned on and up for it, even on his shite table that creaks underneath them.

Robert’s torn up a packet of lube and it’s staining the table beside Aaron’s head. He grabs it and coats the tip of his fingers. He needs some relief and fists his cock while Robert’s busy staring at the way his fingers are coming in and out Aaron’s body. Aaron can see the bulge in his trousers and wonders how much dick is hiding in there, how much he can take and how much he will ache tomorrow.

“Rob,” he says suggestively and Robert finally unzips, pushing his pants down, revealing exactly how much Aaron is going to enjoy taking this particular cock.

Robert removes his fingers from Aaron’s hole and he can feel his muscles contracting around nothing, how empty he is. He wants to be full and he groans dismayed.

“Put ‘em back,” he pleads.

Robert pulls him up from the table and he feels shaky on his legs. He lets himself be pushed around and towards the bed while Robert keeps his hands on his body the entire time. Aaron falls backwards against the bed and it groans underneath him, but he’s too busy staring at Robert pulling off his clothes, one article at the time.

“How do you want me?” Aaron says, unable to keep a grin of his face while he watches Robert pump his own cock, up and down. It doesn’t need much help standing at complete attention and all right yeah, he’s impressed.

“On your back, legs spread,” Robert says, voice husky and low.

“Like a bitch?” Aaron asks amused.

“Better,” Robert reassures him and pulls on a condom.

Aaron watches every move Robert makes with building anticipation, hole clenching, and he fists his cock. Robert kneels on the bed and pulls the pillow under Aaron’s hips, elevating his position just a little. He runs a lube slick finger around his hole and dips in quickly to make sure Aaron’s completely loose.

“Would you just put it up there?” Aaron says frustrated.

“You say the sweetest things,” Robert comments, rolling his eyes, and Aaron can finally feel the deft head of Robert’s cock pressing against his entrance. It feels too large, like it always does, but the head goes past the muscles easy enough. He groans at every millimetre Robert pushes inside, feeling ripped open and full, so completely full.

“I can’t…” he says and pushes a hand against Robert’s pelvic, stopping the relentless push.

Robert pulls him into a kiss, a soft one, and stays completely still while Aaron adjusts and slowly pulls out just a bit. He can feel tears pressing at the corner of his eyes and he tries to supress them annoyed.

“Is it too much?” Robert asks softly and presses featherlight kisses onto Aaron’s face and chest.

Aaron knows he needs to relax. He knows his body can take it. He can smell and feel Robert everywhere, covering his entire body. He loves every part of this, feels better just because he knows he will like this. He has always liked this. Robert is big and thicker than he’s ever had before, but it’s not any different from the times he’s allowed this before.  
He pulls his arms around Robert’s shoulders and moves his hips on his own terms, shifting upwards and downwards a little until the stretch doesn’t seem so bad anymore.  
Robert’s got his head burrowed into Aaron’s neck and Aaron can feel him sweating, trying to be completely still while Aaron finds his own pace. It’s not got to be easy and when he finally tells Robert to move, Robert does so very slowly, pushing in much further. It doesn’t feel bad anymore and Aaron finally stops thinking and just allow himself to enjoy the movements of Robert’s body, how his muscles strain over Aaron while Aaron takes it, legs spread and held backwards by Robert’s own thighs.

It doesn’t take long until Robert is pistoning into Aaron, thrusts irregular and frantic, while Aaron can do nothing put enjoy every bit of it. It’s a bit of shock when Robert suddenly pushes up, scrambling backwards while keeping a firm hand on Aaron’s hips and having them still locked together. Robert jumps off the side of the bed and instead of the relentless kissing, Robert starts pumping Aaron’s cock in rhythm to his thrusts.

Aaron’s orgasm takes him by surprise and he can feel his entire body contracting around Robert’s cock while Robert keeps thrusting through the entire orgasm. Aaron’s languid and pliant when he comes down and doesn’t mind Robert’s last few thrusts before he himself are coming inside the condom.

Aaron still has his legs spread when Robert falls on top of him, still connected, and groans at the discomfort of it. Robert is softening inside him and Aaron pushes at him a little until he rolls off.

They are lying side-by-side breathing heavily for a moment, until Robert has to get up and discard the condom. He looks pleased with himself and pulls Aaron up from his comfortable position on the bed.

“Shower,” he says and pulls Aaron with him into the little adjoining bathroom.

There is nothing sexy about it, but Aaron can feel Robert’s hands around his waist keeping him standing upright while they snog languidly while the water falls over them. It’s nice and Aaron only vaguely registers something sticking into his side while Robert’s entire body is pressed against his.

Aaron can feel Robert’s eyes on him when they dry off and he can feel the question on the tip of Robert’s tongue, but he keeps mum. It hadn’t kept him from having sex and it somehow makes Aaron feel better about the whole thing.

They share a cigarette in bed, drowsy and sleepy while the world starts coming alive outside.

“Are you bi or what?” Aaron asks from his spot in the crook of Robert’s arm.

Robert plucks the fag from his fingers and takes a long drag. “No.”

“Does Chrissie know?”

“She doesn’t need to know everything about me,” Robert says, his tone careless like he is brushing the whole thing under the rug.

“Right,” Aaron mutters and shifts his foot a little, trying to press his toes under Robert’s calf muscles. “I’m not out to ruin anything.”

“Good,” Robert says and trails his fingers down Aaron’s spine absently. “I like things just as they are.”

Aaron frowns, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he listens to Robert’s steady heartbeat and falls asleep, one thud at the time.

\--

He aches the next day. He finds bruises on his hips and feels hallow and empty from they way Robert had filled him. The second their eyes connect in the bar, he's willing away a boner and trying to ignore Robert's heated gaze when Carly isn't looking.

When he's beckoned into Robert's office just after lunch, he's pushed up against the door and welcomes Robert's tongue into his mouth in seconds.

"Can't stop thinking about last night," Robert whispers between kisses and Aaron pulls him closer by his lapels.

Robert has got his hands down Aaron's pants when Carly shouts from the other side of the door.

"I've got your lunch, Rob!"

Aaron is trying not to buck against him, but is only partially successful. Robert covers his mouth, keeping up the slide of his hand, fisting around Aaron's cock.

"I'll be out in a moment," he shouts back at Carly.

Aaron licks the inside of his hand and gets a lustful look in return. He pushes Robert to his knees in front of him and sighs when Robert gets his mouth on him. He admits freely that he was at Robert's mercy last night, completely compliant and happy to take every inch and every thrust. But Robert wants it too, just as much today on his knees in front of Aaron, a cock down his throat - and pro at that.

He slumps against the door when he comes, trying to breathe as silently as possible while coming down.

"You good?" he asks Robert.

"Go get the lunch and come back," Robert says. "Carly is going to see her dad."

They both stare at the study-looking desk and Aaron feels himself blushing red.

That he's definitely up for.

The first time he gets to bend Robert over the hood of a car, it's been a week and a half and they have already seen each other partially and completely naked several times. Robert is insatiable and goes to great lengths to make sure Aaron can feel him even when he's not there.

But this new intimacy has created two major problems for Aaron. One, he's a lot more emotionally attached than he thought, and two, since he's now become Robert's bit on the side, Robert no longer wants him anywhere near Chrissie and Lawrence. Since his main reason for getting involved with Robert Sugden wasn't to have copious amounts of filthy sex, he's now created a bit of a problem for himself.

He keeps on working, evading Andy's questions, finding reasons not to stay in his shite flat and snogging Robert hidden away in nooks and crannies. While they still spend their time at the farm doing actual work on the cars, it's more often interrupted by the hunger in Robert's eyes and his wandering hands. Aaron is constantly surprised by his willingness to succumb to his own desires, knowing that he should know better. You can't get involved like this. It's not professional.

He still replies to Robert's texts every time.

Christmas passes by his lonesome, only broken by Robert being bored of his family and texting cheesy chat-up lines that's got Aaron rolling his eyes. But it keeps him from saying fuck-it-all and driving to Manchester to visit his family. As much as he feels like he's ruined his own chances, he's not the sort of person to just give up. He's better than that. He's just not completely sure how to go about it.

The opportunity arises the day before the new year with Carly chiming away on his phone while he's in the shower. He rushes out to pick it up when he finally hears it and greats her curtly.

"Anton, star of my life," Carly says with fake cheer. "I'll double your salary if you do me a favour."

"Why?" He asks suspiciously.

"Two of the valets at Lawrence's New Years Bash party called in sick and I've got to find a replacement. You've not got anything better to do, right?" She asks hopefully.

"Double the salary, you say?" He says, trying to sound a bit reluctant. His plan had been to watch the entire boxset of Band of Brothers. Valeting sounds a bit more diverting and actually constructive considering it will take place at Lawrence White's massive house - according to what Robert’s told him.

"Please," she pleads.

"Could do," he finally relents and she sighs happily.

"Thanks heavens for that," Carly says. "Rob said you would be a sure thing, said you were a real winner like that. I'll tell him he wasn't wrong."

A flush spreads in his tummy, a happy one.

She tells him a time and a place and Aaron absently thinks he's got to get a haircut soon.

\--

He gets to endure Ross Barton most of the night, his insistent whinging and constant nattering while they receive fancy cars and checks lists to make sure no one is there that shouldn't be.

It's decent work though, and the pay is going to look nice at the end of the month, enough to maybe buy a sturdier bed. He's started getting complaints from the neighbours when Robert's around. It's a bit disheartening to know that so many people are aware he's enjoying sex with a bloke. On the other hand, it's the best sex he's ever had, so why should he be ashamed.

"I'm getting something to drink," he tells Ross a little before midnight when they're sat near the carpark, enjoying a quiet cig and shooting shite about all those wealthy people's terrible haircuts.

"Pour me a whisky, yeah?" Ross says with a grin.

"No chance," Aaron shoots back.

"Alright, Mr. Do-Gooder," Ross says, rolling his eyes.

Aaron ducks under the gate, waving at one of the bouncers from the club who also doubles as security tonight. A lot of the people working for Robert doubles as Lawrence White's workers, which means that it should take Aaron very little to get closer to his family.

He doesn't expect to stumble over it in the downstairs kitchen. He's never actually met Lachlan, but he's seen Robert's caller ID and recognises the beanie-wearing teenage boy lying prone on the floor, foaming from the mouth and shaking just a little.

"Lachlan!" he says and remembers some old trick from First Aid. He moves the boy into a new position, checking to see if he's swallowed his tongue and moving to see if his pulse is still pulsing away. It's weak, but there.

"What's taking you so long?" Ross says, coming in from the outside. "Is he dead?" He asks shocked.

"Call an ambulance! I think he's OD'd," Aaron tells him.

Ross fumbles with his phone and Aaron can hear him talking to the operator. When he's done talking, Aaron tells him to go find Carly. She'll know what to do and where Chrissie is. She'll know more than him.

Everything goes fast after that, Chrissie seeing her son on the floor, panicked and almost screaming in fear. The ambulance screeches loudly outside and Aaron goes outside to guide it through the barriers. Chrissie clings to Robert when Lachlan is put into the back of the ambulance.

"I have to stay," Robert tells her, trying to let go of her grip. Eventually she follows her father into the ambulance and it drives off.

As soon as the door is shut, Robert shuts off whatever worried mask he's put on for Chrissie's sake and starts on damage control with Carly. Aaron and Ross are sent back to their cars without a second glance and barely a thank-you.

"The nerve," Ross mutters fake offended. "We save their precious boy and all we get is a 'get back to work'. Thanks, Whites!"

"Bugger off, Barton," Aaron says and startles when the sky explodes.

New Year then and as usual he's still alone.

At four, the party is dead and the bartenders have made a bunch of whimsical cocktails to the workers getting off around that time. The catering service still has a couple of hours left, but Aaron's off thankfully.

He goes to collect his pay where Carly's set up shop in Robert's office. His feet are aching slightly and he's got a headache. But it's not Carly who greets him. Robert looks up from his phone and tells Aaron to close the door behind him.

"Why are you not at hospital with your fiancé?" Aaron asks because this Robert he's on a different wavelength with.

Robert shrugs and throws a cursory glance around the office. Aaron notes that the blinds are all closed.

He doesn't resist when Robert steps closer and bends his head down slightly to press their lips together. He sighs and puts his hands on Robert's hips, pulling him closer. When Robert prods his lips apart with his tongue, Aaron follows the action, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. He feels himself being backed against the desk, Robert's hands framing his face and guiding their kissed passionately.

"I've missed this," Robert breathes into his ear and Aaron blushes.

"Someone will come," Aaron tells him when Robert starts unbuttoning his shirt.

Robert shakes his head no. "Carly thinks we're talking shop."

Aaron can admit to himself that he doesn't need much of an excuse and decides to throw caution to the win. Who knows when it will all turn sour? One day Robert will know and everything will be over. Not on New Year’s Eve, Aaron thinks thankfully, and welcomes the fingers nudging his hole open. Robert's got him bent over the desk, trousers and pants pulled down around his knees. Still no amount of preparation compares to the feel of Robert pushing inside, the zipper and belt of his fancy suit trousers slapping against his arse with every one of Robert's thrusts. Aaron bites his wrist to keep from grunting, so no one can hear exactly what they are doing in the quiet office.

The catering service has put on some music, loud enough to drown out the sound of sex, but anyone walking by would know if Aaron groans loudly enough. Besides the cock moving inside him, the mere thought of someone coming inside and seeing Robert balls-deep inside a bloke thrills through him and his entire body clenches.

Robert groans surprised and Aaron can feel him pulsing, balls taut pressed up against him. "Beautiful," he mutters into Aaron's ear and collapses over him.

"I'm not done, you prat," Aaron complains and shifts against the desk, trying to find friction against the slippery surface.

Robert huffs amused and pulls out, tying off the condom quickly and leaving it in the trash beside the desk. Aaron only half sees this with being turned the other way. Robert turns him around and he finally gets a good look.

Robert post-orgasm should be a national treasure, blonde hair in disarray and a stupid satisfied smirk on his lips. He's got his black tie hastily thrown over his shoulder, shirt wrinkled from his trousers. His cock proudly hangs visible between the fly, still red from the blood. All of those things Aaron sees when Robert goes on his knees and sucks him inside, shamelessly slurping around the head. He comes within moments, slumping against the desk and trying to catch the breath Robert fucked out of him.

They both slump onto the floor, cocks both hanging out.

"It's a bit selfish to have a shag with your gay lover when your stepson's in hospy, innit?" Aaron says and ruins the mood completely.

Robert bangs his head against the desk. "Someone had to see the guests home."

"Carly could have done that," Aaron prods.

"Why are you always so insistent on talking about things?" Robert says annoyed. "Chrissie is my wife. Not yours."

Aaron bites his tongue and doesn't say 'not yet'. "You just had your wang up my arse, Rob. Don't I get a bit of honesty?"

Robert snorts and runs his hands through his hair. "You get more than most, Aaron. Don't forget that."

Aaron thugs playfully at Robert's spent penis and kisses the shell of his ear. "Good," he breathes and gets up, sticking out his hand for Robert to grab.

He does quickly, pushing a quick fond kiss onto Aaron's lips.

\--

Chrissie and Lawrence personally hands Aaron and Ross a pricy check for saving Lachlan's life. Ross' work ends there while Aaron's job description changes with the loyalty and quick thinking on his part. He's no doubt been talked up by Robert and he's sure even Carly's had words with Chrissie who has then sweet-talked her father.

When he's not behind Estate's bar, he's doing all sorts of shady business. Robert conducts a lot of it on Lawrence's behalf and with the sort of trust that goes with breaking the law, Robert starts to explicitly trust Aaron.

And the sex... that continues.

"I'm in, Andy, all right," he says one Monday.

Andy looks ready to tear him a new one.

"Listen to me," Aaron says and pushes Andy back onto his chair. "I'm not here to worry about your sensibilities. I'm in, mate! I'm close. Don't ruin it."

Andy looks properly chastised when Aaron eventually leaves.

While Aaron works and works and works, Katie (who was once the love of Robert's life, he tells Aaron embarrassed) works out that Robert isn't quite always where he says he is. Robert retaliates by setting Ross on her family heirlooms, which has Katie and Andy fighting throughout most of the start of the year while Robert and Chrissie's wedding looms closer.

And Aaron's in love.

Robert always makes the effort. At some points throughout the beginning of February, it feels like Robert spends more time lounging around naked at Aaron's lousy flat than home with his fiancé. He spends hours upon hours learning everything there is to know about Robert without actually knowing anything. He knows exactly how Robert sighs when he's coming down from an orgasm, how it feels to be wrapped up in Robert's arms and how many excuses he makes not wanting to return home.

Aaron is at an impasse. On one hand, he's exactly where he needs to be - trusted by Robert and the Whites. On the other, he's fighting an increasingly loosing battle against his own heart.

He tries to think about Jackson, his wide beautiful eyes, how he adored Aaron beyond everything. He tries to remember Jackson's touches, how his inexperienced deft fingers followed Jackson's lead, learning by doing. Jackson feels like a distant memory now, caught in Aaron's mind like an insistent ghost that won't ever leave him alone.

"Who is Jackson?" Robert asks a week before the wedding, lying exhausted in the back of a stolen car. He's got greasemarks on his cheeks from where Aaron's gripped him and smells pleasantly like garage. Aaron realises he smells like him.

"An ex," Aaron says and it might not be the whole truth, but Robert doesn't need to know everything about him.

"Obviously he's something," Robert murmurs into his ear softly, pulling an arm around Aaron's chest, spooning up behind him.

Aaron bites his lips.

"You don't have to tell me," Robert continues on. "But I want to know you."

Aaron shivers, because Robert knows nothing, not really. "Hate-crime," he eventually says. "They bashed his head in."

Robert's fingers still on Aaron's shoulder. "Where you there?"

Aaron grips his hand and traces the scars on his tummy slowly.

Robert presses a kiss to his temple. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," Aaron tells him honestly. "He didn't deserve it."

Aaron Livesy has lived his life in three stages. Before his dad deserted him... Before Jackson... After Jackson. Each stage has left more invisible scars then he cares to admit, too busy trying to hide it behind a façade that fools enough people for him be somewhat normal. Mostly, he just feels like a fraud.

Robert doesn't say anything when Aaron shakes, remembering sudden flashes of a night that will always feel like the night before, how he cried and pleaded for Jackson to wake up, to move, to breathe... Jackson never did.

"I'll make sure nothing happens to you," Robert whispers. "You're safe with me."

In some sort of cosmic joke, Chrissie finds Aaron stocking the bar by himself, music blasting from the speakers.

"Can we talk?" she shouts comically over the music.

He turns it off with a flick of his phone.

She hands over a set of papers. "You're Robert's car guy," she says with a friendly air about her.

"Suppose so," he says and thinks about the last time he was in a car with Robert.

"I want to give him a special wedding present," she says. "A car."

"Anything specific?" he asks.

"A flash one?"

He snorts. "I'll see what I can do."

The Austin Healy fits perfectly and gets him upped from valet to actual wedding guest.

\--

"Don't marry her," he says at Andy and Katie's house where Robert's stayed for the night before the wedding.

"Don't," Robert says, all decked out in his fancy blue suit.

Aaron feels desperate. "You can't throw your life away like this! Not for her. She thinks you're a trophy!"

"I love Chrissie and she loves me," Robert says desperately.

But he doesn't sound anywhere near as desperate as Aaron feels. Robert does dodgy dealings and has done for the duration that Aaron has known him. But he's nothing like Lawrence. Lawrence is despicable and cruel and doesn't deserve any of his riches. If Robert marries into the Whites, he's bound to it forever, bound to do more terrible things at Lawrence's command and possibly, one day, even take up the entire organisation. And Robert would do it, gladly, too occupied by shiny new things and influence that stretches far beyond the kind of person Aaron knows he is deep down.

"You knew I was going to get married," Robert says. "That's always been a part of the plan. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her!"

"Just listen to yourself, Robert!" Aaron snorts. "Listen to what you're trying to convince yourself."

"Aaron -"

"I love you and I can't stand to watch you ruin your life."

Andy's kitchen is no place to have this argument, no place for Aaron's messy crying, his desperation. Robert's eyes are round and wide, looking shocked and not disgusted.

But his silence is telling.

Aaron turns away from him and he can feel a hand reaching out to grab his sleeve. He shakes it off and doesn't listen to Robert calling out for him once. He moves towards the door, stopping abruptly when he reaches the foyer, seeing a flash of blonde hair.

Katie is here. Katie and her desperate crusade against Robert that's mostly torn up her relationship with her own husband instead. She must have heard since she's hiding.

Aaron quickly looks over his shoulder and finds Robert turned the other way, hands on his hips and staring out the kitchen window, shoulders hunched in desperation. Aaron finds Katie's hiding place quick enough. She looks startled and is about to say something, but Aaron presses his finger to his lips in the universal sign of 'shh'.

He goes back to Robert then and for the first time since he jumped into bed with Robert Sugden, he forgets his purpose for getting to know him. He forgets everything, but blowing it all up, for Robert to see sense.

"I'm sorry," he says and Robert turns towards him startled.

"Make up your mind," Robert says tiredly.

"Does it matter?" Aaron asks him.

Robert shakes his head no and Aaron goes on his tiptoes to catch Robert's lips in a kiss. Robert responds passionately, gripping Aaron's face between his hands.

The familiar shutter of a camera phone taking a picture drives them apart. Katie's stood in the doorway, hands raised and phone visible. She looks satisfied.

"Surprise hey," she says.

\--

Aaron doesn't stop his car before he's sat outside his shite apartment complex. He rubs his forehead, willing his headache away and trying to forget the desperation in Robert's voice, the way he desperately proclaimed to love Chrissie and that Aaron meant nothing. He feels less than nothing, cast aside for money and influence like nothing else really matter, like the affection Robert shows him is nothing worth fighting for.

His eyes burn angrily and he fights the clump in his throat when his phone rings, Robert's name flashing on the screen. Maybe he's changed his mind, told the truth to someone he used to love and adore.

Instead, Robert's voice sounds defeated and scared. "I don't know who else to call."

Katie lies on the edge of the last step, neck twisted in an angry angle, an unnatural one. Her eyes are unseeing and cold, caught in a moment of terror.

"Katie," Aaron says tentatively, but Jackson had the same look. "She needs an ambulance."

"She's dead, Aaron," Robert states, voice breaking. "I checked."

"Call Andy then! He deserves to know!"

"Wait, you can't," Robert says when Aaron grabs his phone. "He's going to think I did it."

Aaron freezes.

"She's been putting all these things into his head, saying I'm a liar," Robert tells him.

"You are a liar," Aaron comments.

"I know," Robert concedes. "But I'm not a murderer! If he thinks I did it, it's going to break him."

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

Aaron breathes heavily. "Did you do it?"

"Why would I do this to myself? I used to love her! I can't break Andy's heart, Aaron!" Robert says desperately.

"You're breaking mine, asking me to cover this up, asking me to lie! It always comes out," Aaron shouts.

"I'm sorry," Robert says. "But I don't trust anyone else."

Aaron wipes away his prints while Robert goes to get married. He sits in silence while he can hear the church bells ringing, trying to cry out the anguish of having to do something as despicable as this, something that goes against everything he's ever been brought up as. He covers every single evidence while Robert gets to keep everything he holds dear.

Karma, as his mother always says, is a bitch, especially to those deserving.

\--

"What the hell is wrong with you, Anton?" Carly says, annoyed when she finds him covering in the stock room, arms pressed around his knees and desperately trying to keep his sniffles away. "I've a club full of people and you're having a personal crisis! Get over it!"

He turns his head away from her and she eventually gets the point, leaving him alone to fall deeper into darkness.

He doesn't register anything else for hours, nothing but the fact that he's alone, that he can't confide in anyone. He's all alone in his misery, this big thing that's consuming his every thought, his every day, every minute. He's all alone.

Robert eventually finds him and calls his name worriedly, crouching down beside him. "Can you hear me? Aaron, look at me?" He says softly.

Aaron turns his head away, burrowing deeper into his sweater with Robert's fancy club name printed in fancy calligraphy on the back.

"It's okay," Robert murmurs and puts his arm around Aaron's shoulder, pulling him closer. "You're not alone."

When the club's closed for the night, Robert pulls him from the dark room and into his office. He sees Robert dismissing Carly, who as always is the last one to leave the club, and doesn't mind the stare she gives him, almost like she's worried.

Robert hands him a little blue pill and tells him to swallow it. "It'll make you feel better."

It doesn't make him feel better, but it does make him forget for just a bit how big of a failure he actually is. He knows what he's taking, knows exactly what's making him feel like he's floating on the heavy clouds in the sky.

Robert cries beside him, heavy wrecking sobs that makes his shoulder shake heavily. Deep down it makes him the most human Aaron has ever seen him, showing exactly how affected he is about the whole situation. They're partners in misery, he thinks and pulls Robert closer.

\--

After the third time Aaron doesn't report in, the police comes a-knocking.

"Leave me alone," he sputters at PC Windsor, high on Robert's latest find.

"You can't just arrest him!" Carly shouts. "I've a club to run. Mr. Sugden will hear about this."

"Tell him all you like, Miss Hope," Windsor bites back and pushes Aaron in front of her.

He struggles, but she's got him in the back of the cop car soon anyway.

"You're a mess," she states and closes the door in his face.

They drive to a lay by just outside of town and the anonymous copper walks off, taking a call while Windsor remains in the car with Aaron.

"What the hell is wrong with ya?" she says accusingly.

He crosses his arms and stares at her in the rearview mirror.

"Aaron -"

"Nothing is wrong, Donna!" he shouts.

"That's obviously not true and you know it," she says.

He snorts and looks into the early April sky, trying to make his life make sense.

"You're so close," she says softly, turning around from her seat in the front. "No one has ever gotten half as close to Lawrence White before. Whatever you're doing is working."

He bites his lips to keep from telling her exactly what he's done to deserve that trust.

"You can't give up now," she keeps on.

"Did Cain send ya?" he asks.

She rolls her eyes at him. "If you're worried, then end it. You must have found the triumph card by now. Set the police on them, get out!"

He laughs humourlessly. He wishes it was that easy, wishes he didn't need Robert like air, like food, like water... He needs Robert to love him.

He spends the night in lock-up, sleeping off too much alcohol. It's embarrassing. The next morning, Robert stands waiting for him outside.

"Sugden doesn't do that for anyone," Donna reminds him when she releases him. "No one."

Robert takes him to his flat in silence and pulls off his clothes gently, touching every part of Aaron he can reach. Aaron shivers under the attention and welcomes Robert hesitant touch.

Sex speaks better than their words and there is no greater comfort than Robert insistent lust for him. When Robert pushes inside him, he clings to his shoulders, pressing their bodies together. It's not fast and not quick, just gentle passionate strokes in and out while Aaron grunts, almost bent in half.

"Don't leave me," Aaron gets out between breaths and Robert pulls him into a kiss, tongues tangling together.

"I can't," Robert whispers like it's their private secret. "I love you too much."

Aaron's orgasm takes him by surprise, pulsing through him with almost painful shocks. Robert's follows almost instantly. They lie panting against their shoulders and Aaron can feel a tear slipping from his eye.

Robert licks it away and they lie in complete silence until he doses off. Aaron watches him, thinking about his words, if he really meant them. But does it matter? Do they really matter? It doesn't change why he met Robert in the first place.

He slips out of bed, legs shaky and roots through Robert's pockets, finding the little blue pills. He takes too many and floats the rest of the day.

\--

He agrees to the night duty at the White's house two weeks later and finds exactly what he needs. The day Robert told him he loved him was the last time he took the pills, the last time he lost sight of what he is doing. As much as seeing Donna shouldn't have meant a reality check, it did the job, made him reevaluate what his purpose really is. He won't let love blind him again.

Lawrence's office is easy enough to access and he steps inside, looking around quickly. He's brought a tiny flashlight and flicks it open. He slides his thumb under a fake Van Gogh painting and it clicks open, revealing a vault. He presses in the code quickly and opens the steel to reveal enough pound notes for him to seriously consider a swift career change. That's Robert talking through him and not actually the kind of man he wants to be.

It's not the pound notes he's after and shuffles through most of the papers, taking pictures when there is something interesting and leaving the rest behind. It's a new shipment as far as he can see, hence why Lawrence is keeping it close. Usually he wouldn't be caught dead with these kinds of papers on his person, in his house. Aaron's caught him exactly at the right moment.

He smiles and slips everything back to its rightful place.

Tommy the other guard is too busy eating a curry to take much note of him, coming from the opposite direction of where he was supposed to go.

"Good shite?" Tommy asks.

"Bloody sound," Aaron reveals happily. He's not even lying.

He goes to the police station the next day and delivers the information to Donna in person. She looks it over and nods approvingly.

"Good job," she says and squeezes his shoulder.

Extraction should take about a day and then he's free forever. He can for the first time see the other side. He goes home with a spring in his step and doesn't see Ross coming up beside him and knocking him out.

\--

He comes to slowly, groaning, and tries to move. He can't though.

"Are you happy now?" Chrissie shrieks and he covers, hunching his shoulders up behind his ears. She's not shouting at him though, but at a messy-looking Robert. "All those times where I wanted you, where I needed you and all you could think about was your gay lover!"

"Chrissie, it was a mistake," Robert says pathetically and moves closer to her. "It didn't mean anything."

She swings a gun around and Aaron's suddenly a lot more alert. Lawrence is leaning against the bar, arms crossed and watching his daughter's antics impressed. Blood is blood and all that.

"Aaron," someone whispers and he sees Andy in somewhat the same position as him, tied to a chair.

Aaron tries to give him a reassuring smile, but Andy doesn't smile back. He's cold.

"Is it true what she's saying?" he asks.

There is no use denying it.

"How could you?"

Andy won't ever understand because Robert is his brother - not possibly the love of his life.

"I never meant for it to go this far," Aaron tells him truthfully, but he can see the doubt in Andy's eyes.

"Is that a gun?" Robert asks and Aaron whips around to see Chrissie coming towards him, a gun in her right hand. "Stop, Chrissie! That's insane."

She laughs chillingly. "No, you're insane! What does he have that I don't? What made you go back for more? Are you gay?"

"I'm not gay," Robert says and she snorts.

"I don't believe you," she says and points the gun at Aaron's forehead.

He can feel it and forces his eyes open, staring at Robert's distressed look.

"Look, he did all sort of things for me," Robert says, still trying to convince her of a lie no one will believe. "He's in love with me. I can make him do anything. But that's all! He's useful like that."

Aaron bites his bottom lip in anger and promptly starts shouting when Chrissie shoots him in right shoulder.

"No!" Robert shouts and she turns the gun on him so he doesn't come any closer.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Andy shouts at Chrissie. "He can't even fight back."

"He's not supposed to," Lawrence remarks coolly. "Go on, honey."

"I swear it didn't mean anything," Robert yells. "Stop it right now and I promise you'll never see him again."

"Not good enough!" Chrissie says and lifts the gun again.

Aaron looks at her steadily, summoning courage he never knew he had with his shoulders screaming in pain and the bloodloss making him dizzy.

"You can't kill him," Andy says, voice wavering.

"Shut up," Robert says.

"Watch me," Chrissie says.

Andy lifts his chin. "If you kill him, you'll have the entire police force coming for ya."

"He's a good for nothing low-level criminal. No one is going to care," Lawrence says.

"He's an undercover cop," Andy reveals. "You can't kill him."

"What?" Robert laughs nervously. "No, he's not. That makes no sense."

Robert was never supposed to know, not until the trial at least, giving Aaron enough security to leave town, become Aaron Livesy again. Robert's been trusting him explicitly for months, but that's all gone now, wasted with Andy's admission.

Ross opens the door quickly and looks at the scene with some surprise. "Uh, I've got some coppers pulling up. What am I gonna do?"

"Did they follow you here?" Lawrence asks.

"No," Ross says offended. "I rob cars for a living, Lawrence, avoiding coppers is a speciality of mine. Also one of them coppers is a Dingle, the grouchy one from organised crime. Not really anything to with car thievery."

"What? Organised crime? Dad?" Chrissie says almost childishly. "What are we going to do?"

Lawrence looms closer and Aaron tilts his chin up. "What have you told them?" he says threateningly.

"Everything," Aaron says. It's a lie, but it's close enough.

"Chrissie, come on!" Robert shouts and he leads the Whites plus Ross through the basement, not looking back at all.

\--

His biggest regret isn't watching Cain arrest Lawrence, because he's not there. It's not seeing Andy give Robert his comeuppance in court. It's not leaving his somewhat cosy flat behind.

It's the look in Robert's eyes when it was just the two of them, the happiness and contentment he saw coming over Robert's body. How he livened up and teased Aaron mercilessly. How his shoulders relaxed and he just wanted to be 'normal'.

The Robert he sees in court, getting sent down for fraud and grand theft auto, isn't anywhere near the man he knows he is beneath all the layers. Robert is more than his ambition, more than the money he can't live without or all the riches that didn't matter at all when he was alone with Aaron. He never sees Aaron lurking in the background.

He meets Andy at his house, sidestepping the stairs to the second floor with averted eyes and a sick feeling in the back of his throat.

Debbie is there, picking up her kids, and she gives him a quick hug. "It's been ages," she remarks. Sarah doesn't even remember him and he's never actually met little Jack.

"She looks exactly like you," he says about Sarah and Debbie glows happily.

"She does, doesn't she? Apple of her father's eye, that one," she says. "I heard what you did up here, taking on the Whites. Zac says he's got a job waiting for you in Manchester. Could do you some good to start fresh."

He promises to consider it and she leaves with Jack making a scene, not wanting to leave his father, but not quite wanting Debbie to leave him behind either.

"How's your shoulder?" Andy asks when they're sat in the kitchen with a cuppa.

Aaron grimaces. "Been better, obs," he says. "How are you?"

"I'm glad," Andy says with a strong voice, looking directly at Aaron. "I didn't think you could do it, but you did. You went far beyond anything you should have done."

I didn't sleep with your brother for the job, he thinks, but he remains silent instead. Andy doesn't need to know about any of that, about how selfish Aaron became, how he helped Robert cover up their part in Katie's death.

"What I wanted to say was thanks," Andy says. "Thank you."

All he can think about when he hops on the train to Manchester is that he doesn't deserve it. He's been selfish, so selfish, and when he wakes up at night missing Robert like a stab through the heart... he broke every rule and he's getting punished again like he always does. Poor broken Aaron. That's who he's always been. It's also probably who he will remain - karma and all that.

 

End Part One (8-8-15)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr as reinacadeea as well. throw me a comment here or there and i'll deeply appreciate it. with the deepest love, sydney


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